Creativity is my Curse
“You're so creative.”
“Never stop making things like this.”
“You have such a big imagination.”
I couldn't say how many times I heard phrases like this when I was growing up. Since I can remember adults always had something to say about my imagination. How active or vivid or big it was. Adults loved to comment on my creativity, which made me realize that not everyone was this way. Not everyone could dream while awake and create stories and fairy tales acting out anything they’ve ever wanted.
But adults always acted like my creativity was a good thing and I could tell that they were jealous. That I had something that they wanted. They saw my ability to always be writing or drawing as some kind of blessing. As if I had some sort of childlike wonder that made me see the world in a beautiful and hopeful light. However, I don't think that’s the case, and I'm not sure if I ever did.
When I was little I remember feeling like I was stuck in my head. I wasn’t creative by choice, this is just the way that I have always been. I was scared of the real world, where I didn’t have control and I couldn't make up my happy ending. I’m not sure if childlike wonder even exists. It can more accurately be described as naivety. Naivety is what adults were jealous of. The idea that I hadn’t yet been tainted or beaten down by life enough to stop my desire to create ideas and things that could never really happen and would never actually be possible.
I still feel stuck in my head. Now I just know that it isn't real. Life isn't the way that I create it to be in my head and no amount of effort can make it so. In the end, it only holds me back. I didn't even realize it until I was in high school. I was complaining to a friend about how I didn't have a boyfriend and he said, “Well, it's because your standards are too high.” He was right, but I was shocked, I had never realized it before. Ever since then, it's been something that I’ve struggled with. I know it's bad to settle and that I would only end up harboring resentment. But the issue lies in that no one can meet my standards, they’re impossible. Even if I do find someone that I do like, I create this version of them in my head that over time moves further and further away from who they actually are and I still end up disappointed.
This transfers into my friendships as well. I've always dreamt that I would have this huge friend group where we go out all the time, go on trips, and are always surrounding one another. Truthfully I've come very close to situations like this, but it never turns out blissful. Instead, all these subgroups and duos develop, not everyone gets along or even likes each other, and people always get left out.
I feel as though I may appear oxymoronic. I have this vivid and hopeful imagination and yet I am so sullen towards reality. I have seen the world and people in my head for everything that they could be. I have seen myself as everything I want to be. Yet, I have lived just enough and learned just enough to accept that this is not reality. Prince charming does not exist and I have no fairy godmother to come and save me. I can try as hard as I can but sometimes things are just out of my control.
One of which is my creativity. This curse that I am learning to live with. This curse of constant disappointment with no one to blame but myself and the fake world that I have created, labored over, and pined after. This world that I love, and despite my pessimism, I will continue to hope for.
By Laura Brill
Design by Desiree Anglin
