Longing for Pink
Since the age of five, ballet has been an on and off part of my life. Despite the fact that I started taking classes at a young age, as a transgender girl who hadn’t come out yet, I was always envious of the girls who wore pretty pink leotards, tights and warm-up outfits. I wasn’t allowed to wear these for fear of being teased. The pink ballet slippers, which I was allowed to wear, became my prized possession. Even as a child, I didn’t just love ballet as an art form, but also loved ballet’s fashion.
I associated ballet as a feminine type of performance and I felt like it allowed me to freely express myself in a feminine manner. Yet, I never had the chance to fully express myself with dancewear.
In the third grade, I was placed in an all-boys ballet class. Even though I was excited for this new opportunity to dance, I was soon disappointed when I found out that there was a strict dress code in place: white short sleeve leotard with black tights worn over, and white ballet shoes.
I loved to dance and truly enjoyed the time I spent at the barre, but I was never happy with the uniform that was forced upon me.
As years passed and my experience developed, I decided to quit towards the end of my middle school years, due to a lack of interest. At this point in my life, I hadn’t gotten to fulfill my fantasy of wearing what I wanted to class.
Following this, I began my medical transition and realized I was a woman. I attended other dance classes and cheered on my high school’s cheer team, but I never returned back to ballet.
Then, the balletcore aesthetic arose. This trend came to the forefront of fashion in 2022 and has since been seen on and off the runway, with Miu Miu being a prominent example.
The trend consists of ballet flats, wrap sweaters, leg warmers, and flowy skirts. The colors of this aesthetic range from pink, gray, white, and black. All of the clothing pieces that I had coveted as a little girl were now being brought into modern day fashion and I finally felt like I was at full liberty to wear them.
However, I didn’t want to simply incorporate these pieces into my everyday wardrobe, I wanted to go back to ballet and dance in what I had longed to wear my whole life: a pink leotard and pink tights. This outfit seems mundane now in comparison to the items I have in my wardrobe, but as a little girl, it represented the highest form of femininity and grace. As such, they will always have a special place in my heart.
Shortly after, I placed an order online for these items, as well as a pair of pink slippers resembling the ones I wore when I first started ballet.
The second I got my items in the mail, I tried them on and was hit with an immediate wave of euphoria. At last, I was finally in the outfit that all of the other girls got to wear, and I was finally in the body that felt right for me.
Soon after, I signed up for an adult class in my hometown. Before I showed up for the first rehearsal, I cried. The simple act of attending ballet class again was something so much more healing and meaningful to myself than I could have ever imagined.
Once class began and I got to the barre, my muscle memory kicked in. With every plie and tendu, I felt a huge sense of nostalgia and fondness for that little girl who was once held back.
For the first time, I felt as though I was fully expressing myself through ballet.
Jolie Vega— April 7th, 2022
