Shared Love in Female Friendships

My coming-of-age years were spent navigating through different friendships and acquaintances. Some of my best relationships were, and still are, my world, and some of them were extremely draining. As exhausting as cycling through friends was, I thank my younger self because I now follow a strict criteria when it comes to the kind of friends I would like to keep in my life. 

Within friendships, I spent my tween and early teenage years being the second option. I wondered why the other girls at school would pick each other over me, and why conversations between them seemed so much kinder than when they spoke to me. I didn’t understand the reasons for this, until I discovered that some of my most valuable connections came from being the second option. 

The constant exclusion I faced in those relationships allowed me to form bonds with other girls in similar situations to mine who were in need of the same support. Emma, Elaina and I met when we were in elementary school, but our relationship solidified as we got older. Because we had spent a great deal of our time being left out by our other friends, we found that this commonality in our lives brought us closer. Today, we are still friends. Just the other day, I was on the phone with both of them, planning a summer trip together. Although our lives have drastically changed since our early teens, we continue to support each other through our individual endeavors. That support is vital for a friendship’s longevity.

Towards the end of high school, I moved to a different state. Once again, I had no friends and had to start from scratch. I had the opportunity to avoid all toxic friendships this time, because I knew what friends I needed. 

I met a first friend on my first day of school when she was asked to show me around campus. At first, our friendship felt amazing, as they typically do when you move and have no friends. However, our friendship quickly became draining. Other than random selection, there were no other similarities shared between us. She played sports and I definitely did not, she had a boyfriend and I did not, I chose art as an elective and she did not. Apart from our opposing interests, she would frequently be mad at me, would never tell me why and struggled to acknowledge other people’s feelings. Overtime, I realized that we didn’t get along, so I distanced myself from her. Through our time as friends, I recognized the need to avoid relationships that felt forced; friendships should come naturally. It’s okay if that means you won’t find your best friends on the first try.  

During my last year of high school, I found some of my best friends in a class we had together. We were the only three girls in a class full of boys, and after weeks of side conversations, we established our similarities. From there on, our friendship flourished. We all enjoyed the same books and movies, and our side conversations quickly evolved into book and movie reviews/recommendations. Over time, our time together moved into lunch, book shopping trips and dinner dates. We were able to understand each other’s thoughts, feelings and emotions because the foundation of our friendship was so stable. 

I remember a coffee date Sarah, Regan and I shared where we lost track of time. At least four hours of storytelling and laughing had passed before either of us checked the time. It is times like those that I wish could last forever. I don’t see them as frequently anymore, but we still text one another. If our paths cross, I’m sure we’ll be grabbing coffee and shopping at book stores for hours. Although our lives have changed, I have learned that valuable relationships will continue to last as long as the effort is made.

I have come to understand the importance of female friendships through experiences shared with my favorite girlfriends. All of our memories, from sitting on the bathroom countertop while a friend does my makeup to early morning matcha and muffins, will remain everlasting. Without female friendships, I don’t know where I would be. So I would like to say to all my girlfriends now: I love you and thank you.

Kyra Cortez — March 6th, 2022