Reconnection

I recently started doing things I used to love during my early teen years again. I felt like I was starting to lose sight of things I’ve always held close to me. Certain things that used to always be so important to me started to slip away, and it was starting to really affect me.

After a conversation with my best friend, I decided that I needed to start consciously doing things I used to love again, such as drawing, writing every day, and especially listening to specific music. I used to do so much just for my own personal enjoyment and fulfillment, but now I feel as if there are always eyes on me, watching my every move and making observations about the person I am. Sometimes, this makes me want to do nothing to avoid the feeling of being constantly watched, as it feels overwhelmingly suffocating and makes me want to bury myself into the ground for days at a time.

I turned on Nirvana, The Distillers, and Hole to name a few bands, almost exclusively the next few days. Previous feelings were brought up, but they were oddly comforting for a change. I started slowly drawing just to draw, and it’s finally fun for me again. I’m trying my best not to place too many expectations on what’s drawn, but focus more on the feeling of it. I try to write nearly every day how I used to, even if it's about nothing important, as writing has always been the one constant I rely on; I can almost feel a physical weight being lifted off of me in response to doing so.

My problem isn’t completely resolved yet, but I’m starting to feel a little lighter than I previously did, and that’s an improvement nonetheless. I haven’t wanted to do many of the things that I love for months now, but I think trying to reignite what has been so precious to me helps a lot. I’m still all the people I used to be, no matter how much I change, and I’m reminded of that every time I feel passion swell inside my body.

Claire Lock - March 27th, 2024

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